I Regret Not Having Any Remorse
Jonah Park
Throughout my life, wronging others has been a constitutional behavior, an aspect so great its removal would leave me without identity. It's not enough for me to get what I want, or even to get what I want through sinister means; I have to make sure that someone else is without, and, whenever possible, ensure superfluous damage to property, trust, or ego is suffered. The sabre penetrating, the fuller filling -- I respire for these moments. And its all upside, I can sometimes jerk off to the memory of a lie months after the marriage has ended. Guilt is never an issue, either ... which I regret.
Contrition, I've tried emulating it, but every time I think about planting evidence on my cousin's computer and having the state remove her kids, I laugh and remember how I told that stupid bitch not to fuck with me, ever. Pure joy that I wish was penitence. But it's not, and I regret that. Not being able to experience the moral-making sorrow that ought to be associated with the badness I dole out is tragic. Don't the targets of my wrath deserve at least a modicum of recognition they've been mistreated? If I could feel sorrow instead of uncorruptible glee for killing my neighbor's lawn two times, I would. Because I struggle with this, often lamenting the stunted range of my emotional spectrum. I stay up at night wondering if I'll ever plead with the universe for a do-over, just once. Other people get to have their dynamic tales of catharsis. They get to see the people they hurt as more than just props in a production about themselves. I could be that reformed malefactor whose murky past outlines with shadow his every movement and word, drawing others into his dark gravity until they're compelled to glimpse beneath the cowl. Or I could learn a profound truth about our humanness, reveal a facet of brilliance that only cruelty's edge can cut. Why not me? When do I get to feel something other than immutable ecstasy for the wickedness I exude? Anything, a semblance of concern ... after all these years of fucking people over, I deserve edification.
I hope it happens soon, too, because never feeling remorse can really make you feel like shit.